Using The Bathroom At The Same Time As Your Boss; Worst Case Scenario Included

By: M.W.S Bow

The communal bathroom in any given office building is the worst. I mean, you hear people peeing. It’s one thing when you’re at a football game and the people you see are drunk because you don’t know them, won’t see them again, and you know that, odds are, you’re probably smarter than them. Or bathrooms in college were fine because we’re all friends and the same age and you can laugh and commiserate and be like “OMG how brutal was Professor X’s lecture today?!” “I know, right?!” But at work, like…you see these people all the time, and when you’re in your mid-twenties, most of the people you come across in there are more senior. Think about it – really let that marinate for a few minutes – and no doubt you’ll agree.

My first three years out of college this notion meant nothing to me. Sure, I’d come across the occasional VP and be forced to make awkward chit chat, but the people I worked with on a daily basis – my peers and my bosses – were all dudes. So, really I never had to deal with any brutal bathroom situations. About a year ago, though, I was reassigned to another account which is headed up by a woman. Didn’t think anything of it – I mean she’s cool; late 30s with a kid, nice and intelligent (surprising at a marketing agency) – but I don’t think I’d said more than “hi, my name is Meredith” to her since my first day. Whatevs, new friend.

Then, it happened... About two months into my new gig I walked into the bathroom and she was about to start washing her hands. I think “this is new for me” and try to avert her eyes and go about my business. BUT THEN SHE STARTS TALKING TO ME! And not like “hope you have a great weekend!” talking, but like, talking about this presentation I was working on and giving me edits to make. WHILE I’M TRYING TO PEE! I’m just sitting there, on the toilet, NOT peeing because 1) I got sidetracked thinking about work and 2) stage fright because like, what if I’m a loud pee-er? Is she going to judge the flow? Is she going to keep talking until I’m done, then we walk out together? If so, is she going to think I’m a really slow? Instantly, a new pet peeve was born: not so much girl bosses per se, but running into your girl boss in the bathroom. I think it’s inhumane to make anyone’s boss – the one person who gives you work and evaluates your performance – hear you pee (or poop, if you’re one of those equally brutal office poopers  - more to come on that later). And, this didn’t just happen once. The woman got pregnant so she had to pee all the time. Honestly, there was one trimester in there during which I almost suggested she move her office into the handicap stall. I was given more assignments and feedback in the bathroom than in her office. It was brutal. But, then she had the kid and peaced out for a long time, so, situation resolved.

Wrong. Not resolved. WANT TO KNOW AN EVEN WORSE SCENARIO? When you and your girl boss are in a meeting that goes way too long and you had to pee starting at about the 5 minute mark. Everyone leaves the conference room and goes their separate ways. You really have to pee because you were an idiot and drank two iced coffees before 12:30 so you drop your notebook off at your desk and run to the communal office bathroom. What do you see? Your boss’ stupid white pants and shoes in stall #3. Shit. Like, she was on maternity leave forever so you had just sort of forgotten that this situation happens. Fine, you say, I’m a sprinter not a marathoner. Jump into stall #1 (so she can’t see your shoes), sit down and start peeing as fast as you possibly can because like, you just gotta get out of there before this gets awkward. Then, you may or may not realize that you’re actually having a pissing contest with your boss and then you sort of snort/chuckle at how unbelievably witty you are even when in distress BUT THEN you realize, crap, I’m still peeing, she’s still peeing, we’re all still peeing and at this point you’re more than likely going to have to deal with the awkward situation of finishing at the same time (and not in the cool way) and walking out of the stall and being like “oh….I…I didn’t realize that was you” (even though you did) and then you’re back to what if she judges how you pee? She’s a girl, girls judge everything. So, you decide not to completely empty your tank and you cut off but SHE cuts off at the exact same time but luckily you’re wearing a dress and she’s in stupid white pants so you have a much easier exit so all you gotta do is wash your hands like the wind but then you hear a sound, what’s that sound from stall #3? OH MY GOODNESS NO NO SHE’S CHANGING HER TAMPON RUN RUN GO GO ABORT so you rush out and wash your hands as fast as you can and get out of there but as you open the door you can’t help but wonder how quickly you get your period back after you have a kid? Maybe this is her first period since her baby and THAT’S why she wasn’t in all that awesome of a mood when you were in her office earlier but also does she need to use a bigger size tampon now that that thing has had 2 kids? Now that she’s not pregnant and we spend so much time together like, are our cycles going to sync up? I mean….probably….right?

Two things that I have learned officially:

1.  If you have a female boss, use the bathroom at home.

2. An unexpected tampon appearance can make any situation significantly better, or significantly worse.